Iron Man 2

Here’s what I thought:

1. Robert Downey Jr’s goatee =INTENSE.

2. MICKEY ROURKE’S FINGERNAILS = GROSS. But seriously, he should probably go to the doctor. That shit is NOT normal.

3. Scarlett Johannson’s ass =Impressive.

4. Sam Rockwell’s tan/painted fingernails = Awesome. Sorry, everything that man does is awesomesauce.

5. Garry Shandling’s face =ABSOLUTELY FRIGHTENING.

Basically, WHO CARES ABOUT THE SPECIAL EFFECTS? MY MIND = ALREADY BLOWN.

The Lovely Bones

So I rented The Lovely Bones a while ago. I’m trying to figure out who would ever find this movie appealing. It’s bad. Really bad. I mean, there are some scenes that are really beautiful visually and I’m sure no hobbits were harmed during the filming, but it was really odd and it laboriously plodded along at an EXCRUCIATINGLY SLOW PACE and is in no way anything that I ever want to watch again.

For one thing, the age of the main character, which is fourteen I think, and the ages of the people that she plays against were so off. Her love interest is so obviously an ADULT and her sister is in no way younger than her at any point (pigtails and braces do not disguise that). Ray, her crush, is supposedly a senior in high school? Right. It’s not like seniors have never dated freshmen, but this guy is a senior in COLLEGE. It might even be his second or third senior year. You get the point, right? Right. Watching him flirt with her is disturbing in a film that is supposed to be focusing on other disturbing things. He says something to her like, “See, another thing we have in common!” after they’ve exchanged maybe two words and even she was confused, “Wait, we have things in common?” Then he breathes, “You are beautiful Susie Salmon.” *shudder* Why don’t you go ease on down the road, Creepy McCreepster? Also, and I’ve mentioned this before, Ray is supposed to be DARK SKINNED. Moving on.

So Susie Salmon is murdered, the evil-doer goes free, she watches the world go on without her from her version of heaven, and while most of it worked as a novel, the movie just falls flat. Too many things were taken out: Susie’s parents’ affairs, Ray and Ruth’s growing friendship. I never knew how much time supposedly passed by at any given moment. Did her brother even age? Ruth is a seer (she saw Susie’s ghost the night she was murdered), but none of that was really explored. Oh, and this is a silly quibble of mine: I have no idea where the actress who plays Ruth is from (I’m guessing New Zealand?) but a convincing American accent would’ve been nice.

There are far too many scenes where Susie is walking slowing towards something, wind blowing back her hair, blue eyes wide or her murderer is sitting in a chair fidgeting with her charm bracelet looking EXTREMELY vomit-inducing and I wanted to scream: WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?

*blinks*

Mark Wahlberg’s portrayal of Susie’s father was the only thing that I was pleasantly surprised about; it was really heartfelt and touching. Everything else? Not so much. I’m not even going to get into Susan Sarandon. I guess originally Ryan Gosling was supposed to play the father? Even though he looks like a kid himself? WHO WAS THE CASTING DIRECTOR?! Hollywood fails again.

True Blood Season 2

NELSAN. ELLIS.

This. man. One of  the few reasons that I continue to watch True Blood. So effing hilarious. COERCE. Another? I’m kind of embarrassed to say: Sookie and Eric’s eventual hook-up. I’m a sucker (NO PUN  INTENDED! LOLLERSKATES) for emotionally unavailable guys finding themselves on the battlefield that is love. Just can’t get enough. Oh, he says he doesn’t care. But deep down? He totally does! He wants to be monogamous! With you! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Don’t look at me. Stop!

Anyway, I devoured the second season in about a week. The season started out with me thinking, “So DUMB!” and then halfway through I was taken in by the sweetness of Hoyt and Jessica, and the heart-wrenching Godric/Eric scenes (I CRIED!) and then by the last episode I was thinking, “Dude. Soooooo DUMB!” Why are people running around acting like they’re going to do stuff ? They’re so not going to do stuff! Tara, Jason, Andy, Sookie. I’m looking at YA’LL. Go sit down somewhere.

And then I ask myself, Why are you wasting your time on this subpar shit?

Oh, right.

Pretty in PDX

I’ve started a style blog.

You’re not fooling anyone

I’m turning thirty this year, and it’s the strangest thing. The way that people react to it, I mean. I’m including myself when I say people. Apparently I’m old now? I’ve been told that I still look young, even though I am still young. What is it about thirty? You’re finally an adult, right? Me at twenty was nothing compared to me at thirty, that’s for sure. I’m married with two kids, a house, and a grown-up job. At twenty I was still in college, partying every weekend, and single (at least for part of the year). I had about a million crushes and was trying out dating (ew). I was doing a lot of embarrassing things that I would moan about for days/months/years to come (that hasn’t changed). Sometimes I get nostalgic, like yesterday when I was walking around the college campus where I work. I was looking at the dorms and thinking about my college days, how it felt to walk down DP at night and brush up against all the other drunk kids out for a good time. Spending entirely too much time in my crush’s room. Eating at the commons. Oh, it got old fast, but I miss my youth occasionally.

I recently watched two independent films that dealt with finding love after a “certain age”: Weather Girl and TiMER. Neither of the leads  look their ages. I mean, the ages of their characters. When the weather girl is constantly proclaiming, “I’m a thirty-five year old woman!” I would shake my head at the screen. No, sweetie. Add another five or six years onto that and you’re solid. And when Oona (Emma Caufield) says in TiMER, “I just turned thirty,” I laughed. There’s no way in hell we look the same age. NO OONA. Or do we? I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t see any perceivable differences between what I looked like at twenty and now. I look at the women above and think, I can’t look THAT old, right? I am not trying to be mean.

It’s almost inconceivable to me that there are people who were born in 1990. I mean, fuckable people, no-longer-jailbait-people. THAT IS INSANE.

Anyway, they’re both professional women, and they both “find love” with younger guys who appear to do little more than hang out at their crusty apartments and drink beer. But oh, are they super cute. And they practically mount these women as soon as they set eyes on them (O_o). Welcome to Cougar Town, population 4. If you’re a young slacker, and an mature (read: old) businesswoman, you’ll fit right in! I forgot the point I was trying to make, but that’s not really important, is it? What’s important is that I type out everything that pops into my head.

Cougar Town is surprisingly hilarious. I say surprising because a name like that could fool you. WTF were they thinking? But it’s actually not surprising because it’s by the creator of Scrubs which is one of the best shows in the history of ever. Quote me. It’s a little distracting with all the joker face going on (I’m looking at you Courtney Cox, and don’t think I forgot about you Christa Miller), but the jokes are awesomesauce and the cast works well together.

Age.

*wanders off*

*ETA *wanders back in* Just had to say that I was pleasantly surprised by TiMER. On a superficial level, Emma Caufield IS pretty darn adorable with an AMAZING body. And her wardrobe was cuuuuuuute. GIVE. Anyway, I was totally expecting it to go one way and it went another and I love a good twist ending. Some things were predictable but the things that weren’t made up for the things that were. Did that make sense? 😛

Plaid pantry

Fossil dress, AA Shirt and skirt, Pink Studio Sandals

This is the way I walk down stairs

What's that down there? Oh, my self respect! Been looking for that.

I’ve been wanting to post pictures of my outfits lately since I recently bought a Joby and have been experimenting with it nonstop. I’m not very good at the whole modeling-without-looking-like-a-major-dorkwad yet, but I’ve got high hopes for the future!

Seven things was all she wrote

So my sister bestowed this lovely honor on me. Thank you, my sweet! I guess I’m supposed to tell seven things about me and then award this to fifteen bloggers I enjoy? The seven things? Sure. But as far as coming up with 15 other bloggers, erm. I’m a bit of a lurker, so that…will be difficult. So I’ll mention 7 random things about myself. Cool? Cool.

1. I have very narrow feet. I also wear size 7.5, which always seems to be the size that sells out first! Annoying.

2. I like to re-watch my favorite scenes of movies, usually in private. Probably because a good amount of the scenes involve kissing/passionate looks/pining and I don’t want Andy to laugh at me! I also do this with books that I love (re-read scenes obsessively).

3. For several years now I’ve  have these weird images that pop into my mind of swimming in a pool with a HUMONGOUS whale sleeping at the bottom. It CREEPS ME THE FUCK OUT. Yeah, I like to scare myself. Have I mentioned this before?

4. I used to be obsessed with The Backstreet Boys in HS/college. This embarrasses me to no end. I’m not a music snob, by any means, (well, I wouldn’t say it out loud or anything) but their music is really horrible. Really.

5. I am searching for the perfect princess coat. Something that looks like this: and doesn’t cost an arm and a leg.

6. I’m kind of fixated on people’s teeth. The most important thing for me is that they’re well taken care of, crooked teeth aren’t really an issue. I just don’t understand how people can walk around with multicolored or cheesy teeth and expect you to engage in conversation with them. THE WORST has got to be when someone is sporting that ring of tartar just above his/her bright red gums? DISGUSTING.

7. That being said, I pretty much always think that I have smelly breath no matter how much I brush or floss.

Poop-Poop

Andy and I took the boys to Powell’s a couple of weeks ago to trade in some books and to get them a couple of new ones. Of alllll of the books in alllll of the kids’ section to choose from Zephyr decided on a worn Thomas Gets Tricked. But hey, it was two bucks so we went for it. He’s been attached to it ever since, so the joke is truly on us. “Read Thomas Gets Tricked!” he asks so sweetly that we can’t help but swallow the mounting vomit in our throats and comply. Because after reading these “clever” little stories to my kids all I have to say is HOW IS THIS FOR CHILDREN AGAIN? Yiiikes. Yikes.

In one story, Thomas and Gordon battle it out to see who the hardest working engine is. Thomas teases Gordon a bit too much so Gordon plots revenge, and he ends up pulling Thomas behind his train as fast as he can possibly go. “Poor Thomas was going faster than he had ever gone before. He was out of breath and his wheels hurt him, but he had to go on. “I shall never be the same again,” he thought sadly. ‘My wheels will be quite worn out.'” So he puffs off home depressed, imagining everyone laughing at him and Gordon tells him, “Now you know what hard work means don’t you?”

????!!!!!

You know how it goes kiddos, Mom was being way too cheeky so Dad gave her a split lip.

GREAT LESSON FOR KIDS.

Or how about the one where Henry is pretty much buried alive because he doesn’t want to leave a tunnel for fear of spoiling his lovely green paint? Oh, sure, they try to get him out by pushing and pulling at him (Sir Topham Hatt has the best lines: “My doctor has forbidden me to push.” BRITISH PEOPLE WTF?) but in the end, they decide to erect a brick wall in front of him. What is this, OZ? And then Gordon rides by and poop-poops at him. Scatological humor FTW.

Eventually Henry is set free and realizes that the best way to keep his paint nice is to “ask his driver to rub him down” every day. Okay, I never used to have so many “that’s what she said!” moments before I married Andy, but COME ON!!!! Come. On.

Basically all of the stories are about teaching lessons through shame and embarrassment. It would be horrible if it weren’t so damn bizarre and therefore, hilarious! But this shit is not for kids. It’s for adults? Nah, that just sounds…weird. I mean, I get why kids love this crap so much, but Z would be obsessed with trains whether or not they had creepy anthropomorphic faces. He looooooooooves Dinosaur Train , which is GENIUS because it combines the two things that kids love the most: trains and dinosaurs, even though I sometimes think that adding time travel is going a bit too far.

*wanders off*

Billygoaty

The other day Andy told me (as I modeled my new shirt from Trovata) that I looked like a train engineer, and I said, “Awesome!” because I would LOVE to look like a train engineer. With a bit of 50s housewife mixed in. Topped off with a prep school student. And a military…person. And a big truck? GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER.

+ + + + + + 

= good times all around.

P.S. The Time Traveler’s Wife sucked

I watched The Time Traveler’s Wife recently. The book was better. I understand that translating 500 pages to the screen can be quite an undertaking, and that some things needed to be  eliminated entirely (Gomez’s thing for Clare, for one, thank GOD) but I see no reason why this film exists. It is bland, boring and bad.

1. There is little to no chemistry between the two leads. I’m supposed to believe that there is a magnetism between them, a pull. Henry shows up naked in the field behind her childhood home when she was six (ew) and so on until she’s in her late teens. They are MFEO, obvs.  So why is it that when he meets Clare for the first time (for him, of course) I just got this sense of…meh? She’s sorta excited to see him and she asks him on a date and Henry ‘s facial expression reads, “I’m pretty sure you’ll put out so okay.” And then after they sleep together he’s like “You’re my soulmate because I need a good reason to break up with my current girlfriend who is a total psycho.”

By the way, Rachel McAdams needs to STEP IT UP. I usually love her (Married Life was great, and The Notebook sucked but she did a wonderful job, The Family Stone was pretentious but she did a wonderful job, Mean Girls had Lindsay Lohan in it but she did a wonderful job) but the last couple of films that I’ve seen her in she’s completely phoned in her performance. As far as Eric Bana goes…I have no idea what he brought to this particular part except a bored expression. Maybe he was focusing too much on his American accent? Who knows.

2. Why even have Gomez and Charisse in the film? I guess to prove that Clare and Henry aren’t completely narcissistic assholes, but they’ve got like a handful of lines. Ron Livingston deserves better!

3. I get that a movie about time travel is going to skip around a lot. I’m fine with that. But the passage of time is too swift. 5 years go by in a flash. I need some kind of foundation to build on, I need a reason to care about these people, I don’t need to eagerly countdown to Henry’s death just to get some sense of oomph. I guess what bothered me the most was that it tried too hard to make things okay when things should’ve been dire.

Thinking about how books usually surpass their movie versions made me think of P.S.(minus I love you), one of the few films that I know of that surpasses the book. I did see the film first, but I don’t think that matters. I think I’d feel the same way if it had been reversed. The story is about a middle-aged woman who meets a guy half her age who is a helluva lot like her high school boyfriend (who of course broke her heart before dying young). Same name, same face, same passion (art). But here’s the main thing: F. Scott (Francis Scott, but let’s call him Fake Scott)  is a total douche in the book. The author dresses him up like a “gangbanger” complete with a shaved head and sagging pants, but he’s this total overly dramatic ape who says things like “I don’t want to be a victim of love.” and cries silently. Gross.

The movie kept the good parts (You’re gonna fuck it up Louise!”) and tossed the pretentious bullshit (“I don’t want to be a victim of love”) and for that I thank it. I loved Louise’s interaction with Fake Scott, it just felt true to life. He seems totally into her, but appropriately jarred by a new relationship (with an older woman, no less) and thus, acts kind of like a jerk sometimes. The scene where he and Louise are at the restaurant and he’s watching her eat, and they meet his friend and Fake Scott whispers in his friend’s ear and they laugh and you know Louise is like, WTF ARE YOU WHISPERING? I’ll take two please. In the book, I just couldn’t take him seriously. I couldn’t take Louise seriously. The characters seemed to talk in this odd,  otherworldly way which I guess makes sense given the subject matter but I’m good.  I’m good. I’ll just watch the movie repeatedly, thanks!

*walks off*